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Round Seven
The Elfie-Boys
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Legolas vs. Figwit: The Ultimate Battle
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Synopsis: Legolas tortured Sprite with the most horrible methods possible: Cartoons!! Figwit, Merry, and Pippin (with the help of Leroy) rescued her.

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Reader Votes:

Legolas: 38 Figwit: 37

Aldawen: "Take heart, Legolas! You've caught up!"

Legolas: "Oh, sweetest of all possible joys!!! I'm ahead!!!"

Sprite: "Figwit? Are you OK? Do you need to talk??"

Figwit: *shrugs* "Eh, C'est la vie."

Sprite: "Um...OK..."

Author: "We shall now proceed to Round Seven, per usual."

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Round Seven

Figwit, Sprite, Merry, and Pippin flew through the air atop Leroy. Leroy was Elrond's magic carpet, for those of you who have not been paying attention for the past...what? Two chapters? Gods, people these days are so inattentive.

"So..." said Figwit, "What shall we do now?"

"We're young, foolish, free!" cried Sprite. "And we have a magic carpet! We can do anything! There's a whole new world out there!"

At this point, Figwit and Sprite began singing that song 'A Whole New World', from Aladdin. Merry and Pippin stared at them, open-mouthed.
 
(Figwit) I can show you the world
                           Shining, shimmering, splendid
                           Tell me, fangirl, now when did
                           You last let your heart decide?
                           
                           I can open your eyes
                           Take you wonder by wonder
                           Over, sideways and under
                           On a magic carpet ride
                           
                           A whole new world
                           A new fantastic point of view
                           No one to tell us no
                           Or where to go
                           Or say we're only dreaming
                           (Sprite) A whole new world
                           A dazzling place I never knew
                           But when I'm way up here
                           It's crystal clear
                           that now I'm in a whole new world with you
                           
                           (Figwit) Now I'm in a whole new world with you
                           
                           (Sprite) Unbelievable sights
                           Indescribable feeling
                           Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling
                           Through an endless diamond sky
                           A whole new world
(Figwit) Don't you dare close your eyes
                           (Sprite) A hundred thousand things to see
                           (Figwit) Hold your breath - it gets better
                           (Sprite) I'm like a shooting star
                           I've come so far
                           I can't go back to where I used to be
                           (Figwit) A whole new world
                           (Sprite) Every turn a surprise
                           (Figwit) With new horizons to pursue
                           (Sprite) Every moment gets better
                           (Both) I'll chase them anywhere
                           There's time to spare
                           Let me share this whole new world with you
                           
                           (Figwit) A whole new world
                           (Sprite) A whole new world
                           (Figwit) That's where we'll be
                           (Sprite) That's where we'll be
                           (Figwit) A thrilling chase
                           (Sprite) A wondrous place
                           (Both) For you and me
"That was definitley different..." said Merry.

"Yeah..." said Pippin. "Am I the only one who sees the irony of them singing a Disney song after Sprite was tortured by Disney cartoons?" Sprite sighed happily and lay her head on Figwit's shoulder.

Through unspoken consent, the four of them decided to go to Mirkwood and visit Thranduil, Legolas' father. Even though Mirkwood was far away, it did not take long for them to get there. They landed Leroy just outside the palace, or whatever it is that Thranduil lives in, and got off.

Suddenly, The Author got a terrible bout of writer's block and had to go dunk her head in a bucket of cold water before she could continue writing.

Who should come out to greet them but Thranduil himself. "Ah, wonderful!" Thranduil cried. "Visitors from Rivendell! Come join the party!"

"Yeah! Party!" cried Pippin.

"Excuse me?" said Figwit. "Party??"

"My birthday party, of course!" cried Thranduil. "Today is my 8,000th birthday!" He beamed at all of them, and they stared back, open-mouthed, except for Pippin, who was wondering if there were any pints.

"Come in, come in!" Thranduil cried. "The more the merrier!"

"I wonder how much wine he's already had?" said Sprite as the four of them followed the Elf King into his palace.

"That's not what I'm worried about right now," Figwit said. "If today is Thranduil's birthday, then Legolas is sure to be there."

"Oh, that's right!" said Sprite.

"AHHH!!!!" Merry screamed. "AND HE'D KILL US!!!"

"Why would who kill us?" Pippin asked, his mind momentarily torn away from the prospect of pints.

"Legolas!!!" Merry said.

"AHHHHH!!!!!" screamed Pippin. "Where?? Hide!! He'll skin us alive!!!" The two hobbits darted over and hid behind Sprite.

"Cut it out, you two, we don't know if he's here at all," Figwit reminded them.

"Oh, OK," Merry said, and they cautiously emerged from around Sprite's legs.

The Author has decided not to write much about the party, because it was not very important. But Merry and Pippin did get very drunk, and did have terrible hangovers in the morning. And Sprite and Figwit did spot Legolas from a distance, but he was too preoccupied with his daddy to notice them.

Later, Sprite and Figwit were doing nothing much in their guest room. Sprite decided to talk to Figwit about something that had been on her mind lately.

"Figgy?" she said. "You know, alot of us fangirls came to Rivendell because of this war thingy that you and Legolas are having, so... What am I gonna do when it's over? Will I have to leave?"

"Oh, Sprite," Figwit said, coming over to sit next to her. "You are my Kindly Reader, and-"

"Is that all I am to you, Figwit??" cried Sprite in angst, the back of her hand attaching itself to her forehead. "A Kindly Reader??"

"No, no, Sprite!" cried Figwit, putting his hands on her shoulders. "You see...um...well... I love you." And then he kissed her.

Sprite fainted.

(A/N Yes, yes, yes, I know I am gonna get loads of hate mail for that, from jealous Figwit fangirls and from others who think that it's dumb and messes up the story, but I don't care coz I wanted to do it and no one is gonna stop me!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!)

Legolas and Aldawen highly enjoyed Thranduil's birthday party. (They left Sake and Rivendell because, well, wouldn't you?) Of course, Legolas had been highly annoyed at the escape of Sprite, but coming back home to Mirkwood cheered him up mightily. He was already plotting what to do to Figwit once he got back to Rivendell. He had also thought up some splendid ways to kill Merry and Pippin. Ah, yes, life was good.

Towards the end of the party, Aldawen spotted something, and tried to tell Legolas.

"Legolas," she said. "I just saw-"

"Just a sec, Aldawen," Legolas said.

"But Legolas!" Aldawen urged. "I need to-"

"Aldawen, I'm talking to Phil*!" Legolas said.

It was not until Legolas and Aldawen had retired to their room that Legolas thought to ask her what she had seen. By this time Aldawen looked as though she was about to explode.

"What did you want to talk to me about?" asked Legolas.

"Well, I saw-" Aldawen began.

"Oh, just a moment, Aldawen, I need to-" interrupted Legolas.

"FIGWIT AND SPRITE AND MERRY AND PIPPIN ARE HERE!!!" shouted Aldawen. "I SAW THEM!!!"

"...What?..." said Legolas, stunned by this explosion. "You saw them...where???"

"HERE!!!" screamed Aldawen. "I SAW THEM LEAVING THE BANQUET HALL AND I TRIED TO TELL YOU BUT WOULD YOU LISTEN NO YOU WERE TOO BUSY TALKING TO PHIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Aldawen stopped, and panted heavily.

"Oh," said Legolas. "Look, I'm terribly sorry about that, but Phil is my best chum and I haven't seen him in such a long time."

"Hrrch sshck thak!" said Aldawen, and stopped, agast. She had been screaming so loudly that she had lost her voice!

"Oh, Aldawen!" cried Legolas, at once seeing what was wrong. "I'm so sorry! If Figwit had not been here, you would not have seen him, and so you would have not been forced to scream at me! This is all Figwit's fault!"

"Gleep!" agreed Aldawen.

Oh, sure. Blame the underdog.

"We must get revenge on Figwit!" Legolas said. "How did he get here anyway??"

They heard a burst of laughter from outside. Legolas and Aldawen rushed to the window to see what was going on. They saw Figwit and Sprite riding around on Leroy, laughing in the moonlight. After she had come to, they had decided to take a night-time ride.

"A whole new world!!!" cried Sprite, flinging out her arms.

"I have an idea!" said Legolas. He called out the window, "Oh, Leroy! I have some Acme Carpet Cleaner here for you!"

Leroy the magic carpet excitedly changed his course, throwing both Sprite and Figwit off. The carpet flew towards Legolas' window and zoomed into him room. Figwit and Sprite landed on the stable roof.

"HA HA!!" said Legolas, leaning out of his window. Leroy happily awaited the Acme Carpet Cleaner bath.

Winner of Round Seven: Legolas

*Phil is a pseudo-character in one of my other fics (which now, alas, not longer exsists, and must live on through Phil). He is Ambassador of Mirkwood, best chum of Legolas Greenleaf, prince of Mirkwood.

Round Eight