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Chapter Five
The Elfie-Boys
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Legolas vs. Figwit: The Ultimate Battle
The Elfie-Boys and Their BIG Egos
Legolas, Figwit, and the Liquor Cabinet of DOOM
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In which Sprite makes a desicion and Bob gets on everyone's nerves.

Legolas, Figwit and Sprite were deep in conversation when a knock came at their door. "Come in!" Legolas called. Generic Elf #1 entered.

"Lord Elrond requests your presence in his study, Figwit," Generic Elf #1 said. "You too, Legolas." He turned and left quickly, as if he had just done something that he would rather have not.

As soon as he left, Sprite cried, "Don't go, Figgy! Elrond is up to something, I know it!"

"So do I," Figwit said. "And I mean to find out what it is." Legolas and Figwit rose from where they had been sitting and left the room.

"Men," Sprite muttered, and went back to Figwit's room.

Figwit and Legolas went to Elrond's study and entered without knocking. Elrond was annoyed by this, but decided against mentioning it.

"Whattaya want?" Figwit asked Elrond unceremoniously.

"I have a favor to ask of both of you," Elrond said. "Figwit, you must got to Mirkwood to meet with Thranduil for me. Being the important Lord I am, I cannot always attend these important functions, so I am sending you to be my ambassador. I wish Legolas to go to Lothlorien bearing this message for the Lady Galadriel." He held up an envelope.

"Why should we do anything for you?" Legolas asked. "You jinxed my fangirls!"

"Uh, yeah, I know..." Elrond said. "But... If you go... I'll try to fix them for you!"

"YAY!!!" cried Legolas. "Well, I for one shall agree on going. But why can't I go to Mirkwood? I wanna see my daddy..."

"Because I said so," Elrond replied. He could tell that Figwit was still unconvinced. "Figwit, when you go to Mirkwood, you must speak with Thranduil about..." Elrond's voice trailed off as he saw the suspicious look on Figwit's face. "What is it?"

"I'll go as long as I can take Sprite with me," Figwit said. "I don't want you to do anything to her."

"You can't take her with you, and no, I won't do anything to her while youre gone," Elrond said. "Anyway, you have to go, 'cause I'm your Lord and I said so."

Figwit realized that this was true. "Phooey," he said. "Fine, I'll go!"

"Good," Elrond said. "You will both leave in the morning."

Figwit and Legolas left the study. Figwit went straight to his room and told Sprite what had happened.

"You shouldn't go," Sprite told him. "Elrond is definitely planning something."

"I know," said Figwit. "But I have to go. Elrond is the Lord of Imladris; when he says 'jump', you say 'how high?'"

"I wish there were some way around it!" Sprite said. "I don't want you to go away!"

"Neither do I," Figwit said gently, drawing the fangirl into an embrace.

That night, Sprite and Figwit sat in Figwit's room sipping Fine Elvish Wine and reading poetry by candlelight. The parting in the morning would be hard for both of them, and they wanted to savour their last few hours together before Figwit went away.

The next morning, after a teary goodbye, Sprite suddenly realized what she had to do. She had to go follow Figwit.

As soon as she realized this, Sprite suddenly felt an immense surge of power and freedom. She was her own person; she could do whatever she wanted. Sprite hurried to her room and began to pack. Then she went out to the stables and looked at what they had to offer. The pickings were slim; there were two choices: Her horse Love (Figwit had taken Peace), and a two-humped camel named Bob. Guess which one she chose?

Sprite had saddled Love and strapped her bags to the saddle. Just as she was about to ride away, she heard someone calling her name. Sprite turned and saw the Twins running towards her, dragging Aldawen and Sake behind them.

"Sprite, wait!" called Elrohir. "WAIT!!!"

"I heard you twice the first time!" Sprite snapped, quite sure she knew what the Twins wanted.

"Sprite, we heard you were going after Figwit," Elladan said.

"Could you please take Aldawen and Sake with you??" begged Elrohir. "Please?"

"It doesn't look like they want to go," Sprite said coldly, watching as Aldawen and Sake attached themselves to the Twins and commenced to glomp. "Besides, they'd just slow me down. And I'm going after Figwit, not Legolas."

"Pleeeeeese????" begged the Twins. "Pretty please with a cherry and a banana and a chocolate bar and sprinkles and caramel sauce and cough syrup and a twig and an earwig and a set of prosthetic feet and an Arrogant Worms CD and a drunk beggar and a purple oliphaunt and a evil ring of power and another earwig and a palantir and elevensies and some mushrooms and a marshmallow and a bottle of Hawaiian Punch and Vanilla Coke and a Mallorn leaf and a giant spider and a mini-balrog and shaving cream and a pair of toe socks and a Yoda and a cheese pizza and a deck of cards and a Venus fly trap and a PC with a DVD player and a Tori Amos CD and," Here they paused to take a breath, and then went on, "a wolf puppy and a time machine and a speeder and a fansite and a highlighter pen and a set of crayons and some Herbal Essence shampoo and an Animaniacs tape and a packet of lembas and the key to the wine cellars and a used teabag and a calendar and an ent and the new TTT trailer and a floppy disk and a ceremonial mask and a Republican on top?????"

Sprite stared at them open-mouthed. "Uh..." she said.

"That's great, thank you so much!!!" Elladan cried. "C'mon girls, you're going on a little trip!!"

"Are you coming?" asked Sake.

"Uh... we'll be coming later! Yeah," Elrohir told her. "Meanwhile, you go with Sprite."

"Wait a second," said Sprite. "I never agreed to this!"

"Please, Sprite???" Elrohir pleaded, looking so hott and droolable that Sprite couldn't resist.

"Oh... Alright," she said, knowing it was a bad idea.

"YIPPEE SKIPPY!!!" shouted the Twins, giving each other high-fives.

"They'll have to ride Bob, the two-humped camel," Sprite told the Twins. "He's all that's left. I'd ask your father to borrow Leroy, but we're not on speaking terms right now."

"I heard about that. I'm sorry, Dad can be a bit of a git sometimes," said Elladan as Elrohir went to get Bob out of the stables.

Sake and Aldawen put up such a fuss about not wanting to get onto Bob that the Twins and Sprite finally had to get Glorfindel to help them. Together, they duct taped the fangirls onto the camels back.

"I do say, this is undignified, old chum," Bob said stuffily.

"Can it, O humped one," Elladan snapped. They were all in a bad mood on account of Sake and Aldawen.

As Sprite rode away, with Bob following closely behind, Aldawen and Sake wept and moaned about leaving their lust objects.

"E-dan, come to me!" cried Sake. "I am desolate without you!"

"Shut up, Sake," Sprite muttered.

"Oh, Elrohir, I pine for you!" Aldawen moaned. "Would that I could be at your side once more!"

"Shut up, Aldawen," Sprite muttered.

Now Sprite had four problems on her hands: Aldawen, Sake, Bob the camel, and the most urgent by far, whether to go after Legolas and get the girls off her hands, or go by her original plan, and find Figwit.

Bob wasn't being very helpful. If fact, he was being very annoying. "I do say," he said. "This is not a very dignified way to go about, now, is it."

"Shut up, Bob," said Sprite, beginning to get angry.

"Oh, Bob is such a common name," Bob said stuffily. "I do say, I would rather be called by a noble name... like Caligula!"

"Caligula??" Sprite repeated disbelievingly.

"Yes, I think Caligula is very nice," Bob said. "From now on I wish to be called Caligula."

"Oh, shut up Bob!" Sprite said.

"My name is Caligula, dear lady," Bo... I mean, Caligula said irritably.

Sprite growled and kept riding.
 
A/N If you decided to be lazy and didn't read the Twins' "pretty please" rant all the way through, you should. I think you'll find it very amusing. (You'd better like it; it took me about 10 minutes to write!)

Chapter Six