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Part Two
The Elfie-Boys
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Legolas vs. Figwit: The Ultimate Battle
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In which Seamoose is NOT beaten to a bloody pulp

And so The Author lit her candles, her incense, squeezed her Rubber Ducky of Inspiration, and prayed on high to Ilúvatar. For The Author was possessed by a demon, a great and terrible demon, and its fearéd name was... Writer's Block.

"O Mighty Ilúvatar!" cried The Author. "Banish this demon that doth inhibit my writing abilities, for I am obliged to continue a story! Make it so!"

And yea, Ilúvatar took pity on The Author, and he spake: "Write thee thy fan fic. The demon that is Writer's Block shall plague thee no more."

And so The Author wrote her fan fic. And it was very good.

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A tall blonde elf walked down a certain corridor in Rivendell, and stopped outside Figwit's room. Legolas (for this was his name) knocked and entered. Within the room he found Seamoose sitting between Sprite and Figwit with a glass of golden liquid in his hand. Sprite looked amused, Figwit look torn between amusement and exasperation, and Seamoose still looked positively terrified.

"Oh, hello Legolas." Figwit said, glancing up as his friend entered. "What brings you here?"

"Apparently Sake has decided that she's still not mollified for Seamoose calling her an Elrond Fangirl," Legolas replied, grinning. "I've been sent to beat him to a bloody pulp." Seamoose squeaked and tried to dive behind Figwit's bed, not allowing for the fact that there was about an inch of space between the bed and the wall. His head hit the wall with a sickening thud, the glass spilling and hitting the bed, and Sprite hauled the fanboy back towards herself and Figwit. Seamoose sat morosely between the fangirl and the Elf, now rubbing a bump on his head.

"Hey," Legolas said, holding up his hands. "Her words, not mine. I have no intention whatsoever of beating you to any sort of pulp, however bloody."

"That's a relief," muttered Seamoose.

"Anyways, can I hang out here for a bit?" Legolas asked.

"Sure. Why?" said Sprite, managing to pack a comment and a question into two syllables.

"Because Sake is smart enough to know that beating someone to a bloody pulp doesn't take three seconds. And," Legolas added. "Arwen's in a rage again. She's currently ransacking the Twins' bathroom looking for Elrond."

Sprite and Figwit grinned at each other. "Hope they found a good place to hide him!" Figwit replied.

"I think they stuck him at the bottom of their laundry hamper," said Legolas, poking through Figwit's liquor cabinet.

"That was smart," Sprite said. "I dont think its been emptied in an age and a half!" Figwit snorted.

Seamoose suddenly launched himself off the bed and onto the floor at Legolas's feet. "O great and glorious Elf!" he cried. "Forgive me of my sins!! Torment me not! If you are to kill me, do it quickly!" He sat back on his heels and bared his chest.

Legolas looked from Seamoose to Figwit. "Didnt he listen to a word I just said?" the Elf prince asked.

"I doubt it," Figwit replied conversationally. Sprite went over to Seamoose and pulled him back on his feet, then she led him back over to the bed and whispered to him soothingly.

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In another part of Rivendell, at the bottom of a smelly laundry hamper, the Lord of Imladris sat brooding. He had long since given up any hope of being rescued, so now he had to bide his time in this infernal box, being slowly suffocated by the stench and weight of the dirty laundry, pressing down on the fragile shell...

Actually, Elrond wasn't suffocating at all, but our Elf Lord had a flare for the dramatic.

Elrond was still, of course, furious with his sons for shrinking him. He amused himself by cursing their name and all their kin for a while until he realized that it was himself he was cursing; and that couldn't make his situation much better.

Through the laundry, Elrond heard the muffled sounds of his daughter shouting at Elladan and Elrohir and throwing things around, and this gave him some cheer. Perhaps she would come and look in here, and he would be saved!! But this boded as highly unlikely, and indeed, after a mere two hours, Elrond heard her storm out, and the reluctant sounds of the Twins tidying up their room reached his ears.

A little while later, lo and behold, the Twin's dirty rags were lifted off Elrond's box and light streamed into his smelly prison. A hand (which happened to be attached to Elladan) reached down and drew the action-figure box out of the laundry hamper. Elrond saw his son's face peering at him through the plastic.

"We've got to find a better place to hide you," Elladan said.

"I have an idea," said Elrond sarcastically and without much hope. "How about you just hand me over to your sister so that she stops destroying your room?"

"And ruin all our fun?" Elrohir gasped, his face appearing over Elladan's shoulder. "I think not!"

Elrond sighed. He hadn't thought it would work...

"At least do a load of laundry," Elrond said disgustedly. "Those things stink worse than Gollum's running shoes."

"That's the plan," Elrohir said. He hung his head. "Arwen scolded us for being slobs. She said our room looked like a college dorm."

"We don't really know what that means," Elladan piped up, "I think she got the phrase from Sprite..."

Elrond was briefly surprised at the amount of control Arwen wielded over the Twins. She had actually gotten them to clean their room...

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Two fangirls lounged in a room somewhere in Rivendell. They were Sake and Aldawen, two of Legolass fangirls.

Sake sighed and glanced at her watch. "I wonder if Legolas is done beating Seamoose to a bloody pulp yet?" She wondered aloud.

"You were actually serious when you told him to do that?" Aldawen asked. "I thought you were joking!"

"Of course I was serious; Seamoose friggin' called me an ELROND fangirl!" Sake spat the name. "He must die!"

"Oh Sake, lay off," Aldawen said, yawning. "You and Sprite called me an Elrond fangirl and I didn't vow to kill you. Besides, Seamoose apologized. It was a joke."

Sake was about to reply, but at that moment, Legolas walked in.

"Didja do it?" asked Sake eagerly, jumping up from where she was sitting like a dog invited for a walk. "Didja kill him??"

"No," said Legolas calmly.

"WHAT?!?!" Sake shouted. Aldawen burst out laughing. "WHY NOT???" Sake asked.

"I wasn't in the mood," replied Legolas. "Besides, I was too busy checking out the contents of Figwit's new liquor cabinet." Sake growled.

"Why do I even bother?" she groaned.

"I don't know," Legolas said, flopping down on the couch next to Aldawen. "Seeing as it's futile." Aldawen giggled, and Sake glared at them both for a moment. Then her face cleared and, grinning, she sat down on Legolas's other side.

"Oh well," she said. "It's ok, Leggy-looloo. I forgive you for not killing Seamoose."

"Change of heart?" Legolas asked, grinning.

"Not really," Sake replied. "I just realized that with him still alive, I can have fun making Seamoose's life miserable!"

Part Three