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Part Six
The Elfie-Boys
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Legolas vs. Figwit: The Ultimate Battle
The Elfie-Boys and Their BIG Egos
Legolas, Figwit, and the Liquor Cabinet of DOOM
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In which we learn that there is nothing more dangerous than an angry fangirl.

Elladan and Elrohir had been practical jokers and mischief-makers ever since they had been small children. When one is of that particular nature, one naturally has to develop both very good survival skills, and an acute sense of stealth. Being Elves, this wasn't too difficult for them.

And so it was that the two brothers, having had several millennia of practice, crept down the hallway towards Figwit's room. They were hoping against hope that the room would be unoccupied. If it wasn't, they'd have to think up some half-hearted excuse as to why they were creeping down the hallway towards Figwit's room, and the Twins weren't feeling all that creative at the moment.

The Twins did, in fact, have a good reason for all this sneaking around. They were both loath to leave Elrond in one hiding place for more than a few days for fear that someone would find him. And that would be just horrible, wouldn't it? Elrond had been in Figwit's room for several days now, and the Twins wanted to move him. Glorfindel had agreed to keep the Elf Lord for the time being, and had promised not to tell any of his friends who were always stopping by.

Elladan knocked tentatively on Figwit's door, though from past experiences he knew this wasn't a very good way to tell if the room was occupied. There was no answer, and he poked his head through the door. The room was empty. Beckoning to Elrohir, Elladan led the way into the room.

"Ok, let's be quick," Elrohir pleaded. "We don't know where Figwit and Sprite have gone off to, and either of them might come back at any minute."

"Righty-o, then," Elladan said, nodding. "Where'd we hide Dad, again?"

Elrohir sighed. "Liquor cabinet. Moria Black Ale. Ring a bell?" He tapped the side of his brother's head and sighed exaggeratedly.

"Of course!" Elladan sniffed. "I was just seeing if YOU remembered." Elrohir rolled his eyes.

"Just get the darn box and let's skedaddle," he said.

Elladan squatted in front of the liquor cabinet and opened the door. He reached into the back corner, behind the bottle of Moria Black Ale, where he and Elrohir had last left their father. He stretched out his hand, and touched... A scrap of plastic, a chewed-up bit of cardboard. Bits and pieces, but nothing more. Elladan withdrew his hand from the recesses of the cabinet, his fist closed around the pieces of the box.

"Um... Elrohir?" He called to the younger twin, who was keeping watch. "You may wanna come look at this..."

Elrohir came over and stared for a long moment at the scraps that once were the box that held their father. Then he voiced the terrible, horrifying thought that was wrecking havoc in both their minds: "What in Eru's name are we going to tell Arwen?"

Elladan groaned. "I don't even want to think about it right now!" he said. "She's angry enough at it is without Dad getting eaten by mice! She'll think it's all our fault!"

"Well, technically it is," Elrohir pointed out. "And anyway, I don't think mice ate him. There's no blood."

Elladan had not yet completely closed the door of the liquor cabinet. Just inside the door, a rat of BEER crouched in the shadows. His little eyes narrowed as he listened to the Twins talking about mice. To think that the work of BEER could be mistaken for that of those wimpy little rodents! This particular rat, a young warrior named Bilge, was glad of his fine heritage. He was possibly a son of the late King Ratticus! (Of course, this was debatable, as his mother had never been entirely sure who Bilge's father really was.)

With a squeak of indignation, Bilge turned his tail and scurried away. He'd heard enough.

Meanwhile, the Twins were trying to figure out what to do. "Well, this mission has been brought to a screeching halt," Elrohir said, staring at the scraps in his brother's hand.

"We need to get out of here," Elladan said distractedly, looking around. "Come on, let's go find Glorfindel."

"And he'll know what to do?" Elrohir asked doubtfully.

"I doubt it," Elladan replied. "But it's better than telling Arwen!" Elrohir agreed whole-heartedly.

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At that moment, Figwit and Sprite were hanging out with Legolas, Sake, and Aldawen in Legolas' rooms. They were having a grand old time, but Sprite couldn't help but notice that Aldawen seemed strangely silent, and looked nervous. Sake, Legolas, and Figwit seemed to be making plans to go out into the yard and do some sparring. Sprite wondered vaguely how she could get out of it and corner Aldawen to see what was wrong.

Aldawen, it seemed, had the same idea. "No thanks, I don't really feel like it," she said, when Legolas invited her to join them.

"Sprite?" asked Figwit. "You coming?"

"I'm a little tired," Sprite lied. "I'll meet you back in your rooms later." Figwit nodded, and left with Legolas and Sake.

Aldawen looked at Sprite and said, "Sprite, can I talk to you about something?"

At the exact same moment, Sprite said, "Ok, Aldawen, what's the matter?"

There was a moment's silence as both young women looked at each other grinning. Then Aldawen's grin faded.

"Well... I was wondering if I could talk to you about something..." she said awkwardly. "It's a sort of divulging-my-deepest-darkest-secrets sort of thing, and I don't really want to talk to Sake about it and I definitely can't tell Legolas."

"Ok," Sprite said, intrigued but also a little worried. "What's up?"

"Um..." Aldawen ran her fingers through her hair distractedly. She got up, muttering under her breath, and to Sprite's surprise took out her laptop.

"Aldawen...?" Sprite asked. Aldawen typed for a moment, and then beckoned Sprite to come over to where she was. Sprite got up from her seat and went over to the younger girl.

Aldawen pointed to the screen, making sure Sprite noticed one specific folder among all the rest. Aldawen then clicked on the folder. Once it was open, Sprite saw what it contained-- It was full of pictures of Captain Jack Sparrow!

Aldawen stared at the screen in despair. "Is it possible to love two men at once?" she asked plaintively.

Sprite's reaction was far from what Aldawen had anticipated, and she didn't like it very much. Sprite threw back her head and laughed out loud, brimming with mirth.

"Sprite!" Aldawen said, clearly annoyed. "I'm divulging my deepest darkest secrets and you find it FUNNY?"

"I'm sorry," said Sprite, wiping her eyes. "If I was expecting anything, it certainly wasn't that."

"What WERE you expecting?" Aldawen asked crossly. However, she didn't really want an answer, and she continued on before Sprite could give her one. "I just don't know what to do! I adore Legolas as much as I adore Jack, but I don't know how long I can keep this up! I don't want to hurt Legolas, but Jack seems so appealing since I can't have him."

"Then do what I did." Sprite said, serious once more.

Aldawen blinked. "O-k," she said. "I never thought you could ever get yourself into a situation like this, but what DID you do?"

Sprite pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs. Her eyes took on a distant look as she gazed at Aldawens screen for a second, then she looked up. "Tell Legolas your problem, have a good laugh over it, and then forget about it because you know it'll never be," she said.

Aldawen thought about this. "Do I have to forget about it?" she asked. "Cause my Little Pirate Man is kinda sorta a little bit REALLY FRICKIN' HOTT!!"

"Nah, you don't have to forget about him," Sprite said. "It's good to have your fantasies as well as a reality." She sighed almost wistfully and stared into space.

"If you don't mind my asking," Aldawen said tentatively, "who was it you liked and told Figwit about?"

A grin suddenly appeared on Sprite's face, and Aldawen was at once not all sure she wanted to know the answer to her question. Still smirking, Sprite looked Aldawen directly in the eye and said, "Legolas."

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Elladan and Elrohir hurried down the hallway, glad to have escaped Figwit's room without being found. They fled down a flight of stairs and stopped in front of a door, out of breath.

It was Elrohir who knocked this time, and he called, "Glor? You there?"

The door was almost instantly opened by the Twins' beloved friend and mentor, the great Elf lord Glorfindel. "Hey guys!" he said, grinning. "I was wondering when you'd get here." He paused, looked around, and then leaned closer to the Twins, whispering, "You got him? I have just to place to-" He stopped when he saw the look of panic on the two identical faces in front of him.

"Ok," Glorfindel said, folding his arms in front of his chest. "What went wrong this time."

"This," said Elladan, holding out the debris of the deceased action figure box.. Glorfindel surveyed it silently for a moment.

"Yup," he said finally. "We have definitely got a problem.

At that moment, they all heard the sound of pounding feet. It was accompanied by a furious snarling roar; like that of an enraged wild beast. It grew louder, and seemed to be coming in their direction.

With visions of balrogs dancing in his head, Glorfindel frowned and disappeared into his room. He returned a moment later holding a very large, very sharp-looking sword. Still the howling grew louder, and over the sound of pounding feet grew nearer. They could barely hear a human voice, loudly cursing in an unfamiliar language, and the distinctive clash of an elven sword.

Glorfindel tightened the grip on his sword, and the Twins casually stepped behind him. And lo, the source of the noise came barrelling around a corner.

The three Elves watched, bemused, as Sprite was chased down the corridor by a very obviously furious Aldawen. Every once and a while, generally when Aldawen was getting a bit too close for her comfort, Sprite would turn to face her and the swords the fangirls were carrying clashed together. It was during one such occasion, when their swords were locked that Sprite screamed, "I TOLD YOU! IT WAS A WHILE AGO! I DON'T HAVE A CRUSH ON HIM ANYMORE!"

Aldawen snarled, at an equally loud volume, "YOU SHALL NOT COVET MY LUST-OBJECT, FOUL TEMPTRESS!"

With a growl and a flash of silver, Sprite pushed Aldawen back a pace; the smaller, battered blade Aldawen carried separated from the one of elvish make in Sprites hand. Sprite took off once more, heading for another part of Rivendell.

Glorfindel slowly lowered his sword and looked at the Twins with his eyebrows raised. "And it looks like we're not the only ones with problems!" he said, grinning.

Part Seven