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Part Three
The Elfie-Boys
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Legolas vs. Figwit: The Ultimate Battle
The Elfie-Boys and Their BIG Egos
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In which Elrond finds himself in a new hiding place.

 Elladan and Elrohir were deep in conversation. The fact was, now that they had a spotlessly clean room and an empty laundry hamper, they had nowhere to hide their father where they could be sure that Arwen would not find him. And, if she found him, all their fun would end. And then they'd have to waste valuable time trying to think up a new way to get on Arwen and Elrond's nerves.

So you can see the fix they were in.

The Twins sat side by side on Elladan's bed. Elrohir held the box that contained Elrond, and both Twins were looking hard at the box. Elrond had his arms crossed and his back turned to them, but because of the angle at which Elrohir held the box, this meant that he was lying flat on his face. It didn't look very comfortable...

"We need somewhere that Arwen would never look," Elladan mused. "Somewhere that she'd least expect."

Elrohir thought about this. "Aren't the places that are least expected the place where she'd look first because she expects us to hide him where she least expects it?" he asked. His brother blinked.

"So you're saying we should put him in a really obvious place?" Elladan asked. "Like... her window sill?" It was still early in the morning and the Twins were tired after a long night of cleaning. You must excuse them for acting rather thick.

Elrond spun around. Or rather, he tried to spin around. This proved rather hard due to the fact that his position can best be described as "horizontal". It looked more like he was flopping over...

Anyways, Lord Elrond flopped over so that he was lying on his back. "DO NOT PUT ME IN HER ROOM!" he screamed, his face etched with terror.

"Why not?" asked Elrohir, puzzled. "I thought you wanted to be found."

"Yes," Elrond said. "But that room reeks of perfume! I'd suffocate!"

The Twins, who had not set foot in Arwen's room in over a century for exactly this reason, realized that their father spoke the truth. They wanted to destroy his ego, not kill him through a slow and painful way. Some Elf Lords may view it as exactly the same thing, but oh well. The point is that this ruled out Arwen's room as a possible hiding place.

"What about Glorfindel's room?" Elrohir suddenly suggested. "I'm sure he'd be glad to help us! He could regale Father with war stories and stuff."

"Oh, yes," said Elrond sarcastically. "I want to sit up all night listening to Jolly Old Glorfindel telling me how he bravely defeated the Balrog' or valiantly fought in some battle' in which I also figure prominently! I don't need to hear those stories; I mean-"

"Nah, not Glorfindel," Elladan said, cutting his father off. "It's a great suggestion, but he's always got his buddies coming and going. Something would be bound to slip out, and then Arwen would be on our tails. Again."

"I see your point," Elrohir said, nodding. Elrond had settled himself in a corner of the box, legs crossed in the lotus position, his eyes closed. Elrohir flicked the box just beside where his father was sitting, sending the miniature Elf Lord sprawling.

"Excuse me!" Elrond said, trying to stand up and succeeding in banging his head against the front of the box, which currently served as the top. Elrohir was still holding it horizontally. "I was trying to meditate!"

The twins looked at their irate father, and then at each other. In an unspoken agreement, they decided it was probably something Elrond picked up from one of the fangirls/boy that currently inhabited Imladris. Best leave it at that.

"What about..." Elrohir tried again. "What about somewhere in Figwit's room? I know for a fact Arwen never goes in there. She's too afraid of walking in on Figwit and Sprite doing something naughty." Elladan sniggered, but quickly gained control of himself.

"I'm not sure if that would work, either," he said. "You remember; Figwit was against us shrinking Dad at first. I hate to say it, but he'd probably tell Arwen."

"Then we won't tell him that we've hidden Dad in his room," answered Elrohir, shrugging. "Face it, 'Dan: We've got to hide him somewhere. Let's just do this and be done with it."

Elladan nodded. "Ok," he said, and with that, the Twins left the room.

A few minutes later, they found themselves outside Figwit's room. Figwit and Sprite had been planning to go on an outing, but the Twins weren't sure if they'd left yet.

"Knock first," Elladan whispered. "Just to make sure no one's there." Elrohir did so.

------------------------

"You know," Figwit said, "it's too bad that you've stopped fainting all the time." He and Sprite were snuggling on Figwit's futon couch.

"Oh, it is, is it?" Sprite replied, taking no offence due to the cheerfulness in his voice. "At least you can get a decent conversation now."

"Thats true enough. But anyways, as I was saying," Figwit continued on even as he pulled her closer to him, "it's too bad you're not fainting anymore; I now know what to do if it happens again."

"And what's that?"

"Well first, I would loosen your blouse, or if you were wearing a corset, I would take it off..." he said, his eyes roaming over the fangirl who was now on his lap, then returned to meet her eyes. "And if that didn't help, then I'd perform mouth to mouth resuscitation."

"Mmmhmm... And you would do that..."

"Like this."

When the Twins poked their heads in a few minutes later, having received no answer to their knock, they found Figwit and Sprite in the midst of a kiss so passionate, so indescribably intimate, that mere words fail to describe it.

(Sprite's 15 minutes of fame as a writer end here.)

"Um... Are we interrupting something?" Elladan asked, knocking on the doorframe. Figwit and Sprite jerked apart. Well, Sprite tried to get up but was rather unsuccessful due to Figwits hold on her. It resulted in a sort of jerky movement. Looking up, Sprite wondered briefly what Elrohir was hiding behind his back, but she thought it best not to ask.

"Yes you were," said Figwit primly, and then, a bit nastier: "And there is such thing as knocking, you know."

"We did," Elrohir informed him. "But you two were too... busy... to notice." Elladan had a sudden coughing fit. Figwit rolled his eyes.

"So what are you guys up to?" asked Sprite from her place on Figwits lap.

"Not much," Elladan responded, glancing at Elrohir. "We were just... um..."

"We were going to change the locks on the wine cellars. Arwen confiscated our key." Elrohir said, poker-faced. "We thought we'd just stop by and say hi." A muffled squeak came from behind him, and he seemed to shake whatever it was he had behind his back, but there are some things one learns not to notice.

"I understand," Sprite said solemnly. "Just be sure to give us a copy of the new key!"

"Why? You guys have your own liquor cabinet!" Elladan exclaimed. Sprite shrugged.

"Anyway, that reminds me," Figwit said. "Sprite and I should get going on our... outing."

"Of course." She replied, a grin on her face.

Once Sprite and Figwit were safely on their way, having managed to successfully get up, collect their stuff, and get out the door without further incident, unless, of course, you count Elrohirs comment about the red marks on Sprites neck, in which case it was more of a minor affair. A bit of a delay really *Crowd of bored readers yell "GET ON WITH IT"* Oh yes, anyways, on to scene 24 which is a smashing scene in which the Twins dart back into Figwit's room and proceed to look around for a suitable place to hide their... *sounds come from the Monty Python narrator getting killed*

"So..." Elladan said. "Where are we gonna hide him?"

"Um," replied Elrohir, champion verbalist. He honestly had not thought about that bit. Elladan rolled his eyes.

"How about in the liquor cabinet?" he asked.

"Are you kidding?" Elrohir said. "He goes in there all the time! He'd be bound to find Dad!"

"I like the sound of that..." muttered Lord Elrond from his box. But no one heard him. Or if they did, they ignored him. Oh, the woes of a six-inch tall Elf Lord!

Elladan opened the doors of the liquor cabinet and poked around inside. All the bottles looked well used and cared for, and it didn't seem likely that Figwit wouldn't notice anything hidden behind them.

Then, in a far corner of the bottom shelf, he noticed a bottle covered in dust and cobwebs (a bit of a strange phenomenon, since Figwit had only had the liquor cabinet for about a week). Elladan carefully wiped away some of the dust, and saw that it was a bottle of Moria Black Ale.

"What's Figwit doing with this?" Elladan wondered. "I thought he hated the stuff!"

"Sprite probably made him keep it." Elrohir said, peering over his twin's shoulder. "Throw it out; it'd be doing him a favour."

"Wait..." Elladan had a sudden inspiration. "Doesn't it seem a shame to waste a whole bottle of ale like that?" he asked his brother slyly.

"You mean... We should keep it?" asked Elrohir dumbly. Well, he is the younger twin, after all. You must forgive him.

Elladan rolled his eyes. "No stupid, we keep it in the liquor cabinet and hide Dad behind it," he said. "Figwit has obviously forgotten about the bottle, so the chances of him finding Dad hidden there are very small."

"Oh..." Elrohir said, once more displaying his expert verbal skills.

So, to make a long story short, the Twins shoved Elrond's box behind the bottle of Moria Black Ale and then fled the room. When they returned to their own room, they found that Arwen had ransacked it again whilst searching for her father, so it was back to its normal, messy state. In short, everyone was happy.

Except for a certain Elf Lord...

Part Four