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Part One
The Elfie-Boys
Home
Acknowledgements
About the Elfie-Boys
The Others
The Stories
Legolas vs. Figwit: The Ultimate Battle
The Elfie-Boys and Their BIG Egos
Legolas, Figwit, and the Liquor Cabinet of DOOM
Rogue's Gallery
Guestbook
Links
My Page
Contact Me

In which the stage is set.

In a room in Rivendell three Elves and a young woman stood around a desk, chatting amiably. One of the Elves, the one with long brown hair, had his arm around the young woman's waist. His name was Figwit, and her's was Sprite. The two Elves they were talking to were none other than Elladan and Elrohir, the twin-born sons of Elrond. They were laughing about something that sat on the desk, rocking slightly.

"I swear, it's so much more quiet around here!" Elladan exclaimed, looking around. "I never knew how much noise Dad always made until he wasn't making it any more!"

"Yeah, instead he's making different kinds of noises." Sprite said, looking down at the object on the desk. It was a box; the kind action figures come in. The pictures on the side loudly proclaimed that the box contained a Legolas action figure, but it was not so. Inside the box was Elrond Half-elven, Lord of Imladris. He was currently six inches tall, and bloody furious.

"YOU LET ME OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW!!" Lord Elrond shouted, due to his size sounding very much as though he'd swallowed a bottle of helium.

"Why?" asked Elrohir curiously.

"BECAUSE I AM YOU BLOODY FATHER, YOUNG ELFLING!!!" Elrond shrieked. "WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE, YOU ARE IN FOR THE LONGEST GROUNDING YOU EVER HAD!!! YOU WON'T BE LET OUT OF YOUR ROOM UNTIL THE END OF THE FOURTH AGE!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!"

Elrond beat on the inside of the box with his pea-sized fists, screaming hysterically. His sons, along with Figwit and Sprite, watched this display of rage with varying degrees of amusement. Elrond could be quite intimidating when he was angry, but not when he was six inches tall. Then it was just plain funny.

The Elf Lord suddenly slumped down onto the bottom of the box. He had fainted.

One may wonder: What terrible thing has Elrond done to deserve being shrunk and stuck in a little box like a common action figure?? The truth was that in the past few days, Elrond had made about as many mistakes as FŽanor, only on a slightly smaller scale. Tired of Legolas and Figwit's egos, he had given a potion to Sprite, Aldawen, and Sake (the latter two being Legolas's fangirls) to make them turn against their lust objects and fall for Glorfindel and the Twins.

The potion had worked wonders on Aldawen and Sake, but not so on Sprite. She and Figwit discovered Elrond's plan, and, after a series of unfortunate events, everything got sorted out in time for Dr. Took, Medicine Hobbit.

But they had decided that Elrond must be punished for his naughty deeds, so the Elf Lord was forced to endure several hours of horrendous Disney cartoons. Then, with the help of a book entitled "Learning Magic With Harry Potter!", they shrunk him down to six inches.

Elrohir picked up the box and tossed it from hand to hand. "Well, anyway, we need to find a new hiding place for this. Arwen is still livid, and she keeps tearing my room apart looking for him."

"What about your bathroom?" Figwit suggested innocently. "I doubt she ever goes in there. Couldn't stand the smell." Elrohir threw the nearest object at Figwit, which happened to be the box containing his father. Fortunately, Sprite caught the box in mid-air, and set it back on the desk.

"You have to be careful with this." ahe scolded, "He's still you father, no matter what stupid things he's done."

"Yeah, whatever." Elladan said vaguely. "C'mon, 'Rohir, let's go find Glorfindel. Maybe he'll know a good hiding place." Elrohir nodded, picked up the box containing Elrond, then he and his twin left the room.

***

Later, Sprite and Figwit sat in Figwit's room going through the contents of his new liquor cabinet. It had come a few days before as a gift from Sprite, and the Twins had enthusiastically made donations to fill it up. Now Figwit was going through the contents and making sure that everything they had given him was legal.

"What's this?" Sprite asked, picking up a bottle of a plum-coloured liquid. "'Old Wineyards Finest'," she said, reading off the label, and then looked back up at Figwit. "Keeper?"

"Yeah," the Elf said, looking at a bottle of dark brown ale. "'Moria Black Ale'? I hate this stuff!"

"Keep it, maybe I'll like it," Sprite suggested. Figwit shrugged, and shoved the bottle into a corner of the cabinet out of sight, behind several bottles of Fine Elvish Wine.

A few minutes later there was a knock at the door.

"Come in!" Figwit called distractedly, trying to figure out whether the liquid in the bottle he was holding contained acid or just plain hard cider.

The door burst open and in ran a young man, with blonde hair and a terrified expression on his face.

"FIGWIT, SAVE ME!!!" he screamed.

"Seamoose?" Figwit asked, looking up. "What-?"

"SAKE WANTS TO KILL MEEEEEEE!!" Seamoose screamed, diving behind Figwit.

"I'm sure it's not that bad..." Sprite said.

Sprite said this because she was used to Seamoose, who tended to blow things out of proportion. He was your typical fanboy, and worshipped Figwit like a god. If it weren't for Seamoose, Elrond would still be his normal height, and Legolas and Figwit would not have escaped the clutches of the Elfie-ninjas and their hair-styling skills.

Just then, Sake the Legolas fangirl appeared at the door, followed by Aldawen, who appeared to be laughing very hard.

"Have either of you seen Seamoose?" Sake asked, a furious look upon her face. "I want to kill him."

"Oh," said Sprite.

"Seamoose?" Figwit said innocently. "Nope, haven't seen him anywhere."

"That's right, they haven't!" came Seamoose's muffled voice from behind Figwit. Figwit rolled his eyes and muttered, "Git."

"They haven't seen me ANYWHERE!" Seamoose added, perhaps to emphasize the fact. "So you might as well run along and look for me elsewhere!"

"It's not working." Sprite told the fanboy, as Sake advanced towards him, hands already raised at neck level.

"Dagnabbit!" Seamoose said. He took one look at Sake's face and squeaked pathetically.

"Sake, what did he do?" Figwit asked, amazed to see the fangirl in such a rage.

"Not saying nothing 'till he do be dead!" growled Sake. As one, Figwit and Sprite turned to Aldawen, who was still laughing hysterically.

"Aldawen?" Sprite asked.

"S... Sea... moose," Aldawen gasped out between laughs. "He... called... S... Sake an... Elrond fangirl!" Sake roared, looking and sounding very much like Galadriel when Frodo offered her the One Ring. Seamoose squeaked again and collapsed in a twitching heap.

"I HATE ELROND!!!!!!" Sake shouted. "I WANT HIM DEAD!!!!! HE IS THE STUPIDEST GIT TO GRACE THIS LAND!!!! I HATE HIM WITH A PASSION!!!!!!!!" If the font could have gotten any bigger, Sake would have made good use of it.

"Itwasjustajoke!" Seamoose pleaded.

Sake stopped, her hands dropping to her sides. "Oh," she said, her voice normal. "Ok. As long as you didn't mean it." She turned and left the room. Seamoose, meanwhile, wisely made use of his time by fainting.

"That was... interesting..." Sprite said, and Figwit poured Seamoose a glass of brandy.

Part Two