Round Six
The Elfie-Boys
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Legolas vs. Figwit: The Ultimate Battle
The Elfie-Boys and Their BIG Egos
Legolas, Figwit, and the Liquor Cabinet of DOOM
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Synopsis: Legolas: 2 Figwit: 3 Sprite has been kidnapped by Legolas, Elrond has a magic carpet named Leroy, and The Author has no idea who will win this round. Only time will tell.


Reader Votes:

Legolas: 30 Figwit: 32


Aldawen: " could those nasty readers do this to poor Leggikins???"

Figwit: "I'm better than Blondie! I'm better than Blondie!"

Aldawen: His name is LEGOLAS, you moron!"

Figwit: "Legolas, Blondie, same thing."

Legolas: *sobs* " fans are leaving me!!"

Aldawen: "There, there, I still love you!"

Sake: "Me too!"

Aldawen: "Go away, Sake."

Author: "I think we had better get on to Round Six..."


Round Six


Sprite sat waiting for Figwit to return. WHUMP! The door opened rather quickly.

"Why, Figwit, that was fast. Did you..." Sprite's voice dropped off as she noticed it was not her beloved Figwit, but Legolas (dressed in rather shabby clothes) and his two fangirl goons. "Heeey... What are you doing here?" she asked as she got up, glaring at the rude intruders.

"Get her!" Legolas cried, and Aldawen and Sake attacked.

Much profanity, and injuries on the intruders' part, later, they had successfully caught Sprite and bound her wrists (with duct tape). They forgot to gag her, though, and Sprite was quite vocal in her complaints.

"Ow! What are you doing?? You can't do that... Hey! Don't go into Figgy's closet!" Sprite kicked Sake, who was trying to steal some of Figwit's clothes for Legolas. "Where are you taking me?" cried Sprite. "You can't take me! I'm Canadian! The Mounties will get you! FIGWIT!!! HELP!!! Mmmph." Sprite's mouth was sealed with duct tape, and she was dragged away.

And so it was that Sprite found herself bound and gagged in Legolas' room. "Mmmmph! Nnng mmuh fufuf mmmph! OW!" she cried, as Legolas ripped the duct tape off her mouth. "What are you going to do to me??"

"You don't want to know, I assure you," Legolas told her. He laughed evilly. "Aldawen," he said. "Prepare the torture chamber!!!"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" screamed Sprite.

Figwit paced his room. The enemy had kidnapped Sprite. For the moment, all hope seemed lost. He considered surrenduring to Legolas, letting Legolas be declared the better Elf, but then, in his mind, he saw Sprite's face. Those glittering eyes, that shining, silky hair, her ruby-red lips... And he knew that he must win this battle for her!

Luckily, just yesterday, Figwit had recieved his monthly order of five cases of bottles of Herbal Essence shampoo. There were about 100 bottles in all, so 15 would not be missed... much. But they would not be missed once Figwit put his special hair-remover lotion into each bottle. 'Honestly, I have no idea why I got this stuff,' thought Figwit as he poured three teaspoons of the lotion into each bottle of Herbal Essence. 'Though now I do.'

Figwit put the bottles into a pretty wicker basket with a pink bow on it. He left them outside Legolas' room and knocked on the door. Then he hurried back to his room. A few minutes later, a knock came at Figwit's door. He opened it, and saw a note taped to the outside of the door. It read: "I LIED!!!!!!!!!!!! Sincerely, Legolas."

'Crud,' thought Figwit. 'What to do, what to do... Jeez, Legolas is as good at plotting as Merry and Pippin... Wait... I've got it!' Figwit had the perfect idea to rescue Sprite.

And he had better do it soon. Legolas had duct taped Sprite to a wooden chair in his TV room, and was forcing her to watch all of the worst Disney movies ever made, one after another.

"JUST KILL ME NOW!!!!!!" screamed Sprite in agony. After the Disney movies, Legolas was planning on making her watch all the episodes of the Powerpuff Girls, and then Spongebob Squarepants, and then Pokemon. If there was time, she'd have to watch the new Star Wars movies. Sprite was in hell, if you'll pardon my language.

Over, Sprite's screams, Legolas heard a knock at his bedroom door. He opened the door, and saw the hobbits, Merry and Pippin. "Hi, Legolas!" Merry said cheerfully.

"Um... Hello," Legolas said.

"We heard you were doing some torturing, and we thought we'd come and help!" said Pippin, patting his Li'l Bastard Havoc-Wreaking Kit (tm).

"Oh," said Legolas. "Ok." He led the hobbits into his TV room. Sprite stared at him fearfully. Legolas stopped Beauty and the Beast in the middle of the climactic fight scene (yeah right). He then left the room and closed the door.

Merry and Pippin waited exactly 3.48 seconds. Then Merry started dancing around singing, "I'm happy! I'm happy! I'm happy happy happy!" Pippin started bouncing around on his pogo stick shouting, "PERKY PERKY PERKY!!!!!"


"Ok," said Merry. Pippin went to the window and gave a shrill whistle while Merry undid the duct tape that bound Sprite to the chair. Just then, at the window, Figwit flew up riding Leroy the magic carpet!!!

"FIGWIT!!!!" screamed Sprite when she saw him.

"Shh, Legolas'll hear you," warned Pippin. The three of them (two hobbits, one fangirl) got onto Leroy with Figwit.

"So all along you were in league with Figgy?" Sprite said to Merry and Pippin.

"Yup," said Merry.

"Yo, Figman," Pippin asked. "Is it ok if we crash in your room for a few days? Legolas is gonna skin us alive if he finds us."

"Fine with me," Figwit said. "After all, you did rescue my favorite fangirl." Sprite giggled.

Pippin was right. When Legolas opened the door to his TV room to see why it had gotten so quiet, he found the room empty and the window open. "Curses, foiled again!" he muttered. Then he went back into his bedroom.

"Sake," he said. Sake perked up, excited at being directly addressed by Legolas.

"Yes-ishness?" she said. Aldawen rolled her eyes.

"Sake, would you mind testing this shampoo for me? Figwit might have jinxed it" Legolas said.

"Okey-day!" cried Sake, doing a painfully accurate Jar Jar Binks impression. She hopped off to Legolas' bathroom with one of the bottles of Herbal Essence. Ten minutes later, she emerged. She was still green. But she was bald.

"Crud, I am SO glad I did not use this stuff myself," Legolas said, correctly guessing that Figwit had put hair-remover into the shampoo.

"My head is chilly!" said Sake in an annoyingly cheerful voice. Legolas and Aldawen ignored her. Legolas was angry. Sprite had escaped from hi clutches, the ransome shampoo was useless, and he had a bald rabid fangir. How could things get any worse?

Of course, everyone knows it is a very bad idea to ask that question.

Winner of Round Six: Figwit

A/N Thanks to Master of the Sword for the hair-remover idea. Also, my apologies to those of you who like Disney, Powerpuff Girls, Pokemon, Spongebob Squarepants, and the new Star Wars movies. I just think they're dumb.

Round Seven