Chapter Eight
The Elfie-Boys
About the Elfie-Boys
The Others
The Stories
Legolas vs. Figwit: The Ultimate Battle
The Elfie-Boys and Their BIG Egos
Legolas, Figwit, and the Liquor Cabinet of DOOM
Rogue's Gallery
My Page
Contact Me

In which The Author makes reference to several movies and then gets bored with it.

Sprite followed the Twins and Glorfindel down Rivendell's dark hallways. (It was the middle of the night.) They came to Glorfindel's room, and entered. Sprite looked around.

"Does Figgy know you have your own liquor cabinet?" she asked Glorfindel. "He's been wanting one of his own for ages!" Glorfindel shrugged in reply.

"So..." said Elladan. "What do we do now?"

"Get me something to eat." Sprite answered, flopping down on a couch. "I'm simply famished!" She struck a damsel in distress pose. The Elves laughed, and Glorfindel tossed her a few wafers of lembas along with a canteen full of water.

"If you want to get started before Lord Elrond is up and about you should probably go soon." Glorfindel told Sprite when she had finished eating.

"I know." sighed Sprite, not really wanting to go now that she was back. But then she remembered Figgy. And something else... "I know this might sound a bit weird," she said, "but I want to take Sake and Aldawen with me again. When Elrond finds out that I've gotten away, he may do something to them."

"That's a good idea." Glorfindel said, nodding. He turned to the Twins. "You two go fetch them."

"Why us?" moaned Elladan, and the same time that Elrohir said, "But what if they don't come with us?"

"You two are so stupid!" Sprite said.

"Come on, guys." Glorfindel pleaded. "You're the only ones they listen to!"

"But I don't wanna!" whined Elrohir, giving them his best puppy dog eyes. But looking at their determined faces, he and his brother gave a resigned sigh, and left the room.

"Where are the girls anyways?" Sprite asked Glorfindel.

"We locked them in Legolas's room so that they wouldn't cause any trouble." Glorfindel explained. "Although come to think of it, they'll probably have trashed it." Sprite giggled, and Glorfindel joined her. Suddenly, he stopped.

"What happened to you arm?" Glorfindel asked, staring at the cut Sprite had gotten during the fight.

"Oh... it... it's nothing." Sprite stammered, clapping her hand over it. "One of the Elfie-Ninja's spinning blades got me, thats all. It'll be fine, really."

"You can never be too careful." Glorfindel said seriously. He gathered some slave, bandages and a rag. He gently cleaned the wound, wiping away the dried blood, and then bandaged it. "There." he said. "Now I know it'll be fine."

"Thanks." said Sprite.

A few minutes later, the Twins came back, with Sake and Aldawen close behind. "Eru, you should see Legolas room!" Elladan said. "It looks like an army of orcs marched through!"

Glorfindel rose. "You three stay here." he said to Sprite, Aldawen, and Sake. "We'll go get some supplies for your journey, and see if we can tidy up Legolas room."

"Nasty vampire Elf." muttered Sake, hearing Legolas name.

"Hey!" Sprite said. "I thought Figwit was the vampire Elf!" Sake stared at her.

Seamoose waited outside Elrond's study, hiding behind a flowering shrub. He was waiting for Elrond to leave the study, so that he could go in and ask Leroy to help him with his brilliant plan. It took several hours for Elrond to finally leave, but this gave time for Seamoose to elaborate his plan.

Finally, at dusk, the door of the study opened and Elrond left, closing the door behind him. Seamoose darted forward and tried the door. Isildur's Bane! It was locked! Luckily, Seamoose knew how to pick locks. He had taught himself how on one fair summer day, when his neighbour had borrowed his copy of The Fellowship of the Ring and then locked his house up for the weekend while he went to a seaside resort, the kind with beautful Swedish women who gave you massages all day. Higher, Helga, higher!
Seamoose had been a desperate man.

But anyway, due to this unfortunate event, Seamoose was able to pick the lock in Elrond's study and entered softly.

"Leroy?" he whispered. "Are you there?" He saw something stir in a corner, and the Leroy the magic carpet emerged into the light of the setting sun that shone thought the windows. Leroy's tassels shook curiously.

"Leroy, I need your help!" Semoose told the carpet. "Elrond employed his Elfie-Ninjas to kidnap The Mighty One and Blondie and cut their hair! You have to help me rescue them before it is too late!"

Leroy crossed his tassels as if to say, "What's in it for me?"

"I'll give you a whole case of Acme Carpet Cleaner!" Seamoose bargained. Immediately, Leroy flattened himself out and flew over to Seamoose so that the fanboy could get on him. Leroy flapped his tassels as if to say, "Should we get my vintage World War II anti-aircraft gun?"

Seamoose shook his head. "I don't think we'll be needing that, Leroy." he said. "Now! To save the Elfie-Boys!" As Leroy zoomed out of the open window, Seamoose could be heard shouting: "To infinity... and beyond!"

Elrond looked out of his bedroom window and saw the carpet flying away, along with the ecstatic fanboy. "Ah, crap." he muttered.

Sprite sat in Glorfindel's room, waiting for him and the Twins to return. She was bored. Several times, she had tried to engage Sake and Aldawen in conversation, but they only wanted to talk about the Twins. Actually, Sake talked the most. Aldawen was strangely silent and seemed to be fighting and intense inner battle.

Sprite sighed, and looked out the window at the surrounding darkness. Suddenly, she heard a gasp and a thump. Sprite whirled around. Aldawen had fallen off of her chair, and was on her hands and knees staring at the floor.

"Aldawen, are you alright?" asked Sprite. Aldawen looked up at her. In her eyes was a wild, fearful look.

"Sprite..." she gasped.

"Aldawen, what-" began Sprite, but the other girl cut her off.

"Please, Sprite..." Aldawen said, in a strained voice, as if talking was a hardship. "I... I need... Le... Leg... Legolas. Tell him... I... I lo... lo... I need him... The wine... This isn't me... Legolas!" Aldawen collapsed.

Sprite stared at Aldawen, trying to figure out if she had just witnessed what she thought she had just witnessed. She was just about to decide that it had indeed actually happened, and go help Aldawen when the girl sat up and look around.

"Where's Elrohir?" she asked plaintively. Sprite sighed in resignation, and stared out the window.

Leroy soared over the treetops, and Seamoose stared at the world spread out below him. "This is fantastic!" he shouted over the wind. But he still had no idea how to find the Elfie-boys.

"Leroy, do you know where they could be?" asked Seamoose. The carpet shook his tassels. Seamoose scanned the forest below, trying to find some clue as to where the Elfie-boys were.

'My spidey-sense is tingeling!' he thought, and then spotted something. "There!" he shouted. In a clearing below him, Seamoose could see a campfire and several black figures moving towards a tree. The sound of voices screaming in protest wafted up towards them.

"That's gotta be it!" Seamoose said. "Leroy, there!" The carpet began a steep descent towards the trees.

When they were all but touching the treetops, Seamoose leapt off Leroy and catapulted down into the woods.

Legolas closed his eyes. This was it. This was the end. The Elfie-Ninjas would cut his beautiful hair, and no one would love him anymore. 'Oh, Valar, end it now!' he thought. But then he heard a cry that seemed to come from above. The Elfie-Ninjas gasped, and looked up, forgetting their captives. Legolas opened his eyes.

A shape was falling towards them, shouting. Legolas realized that it was a young mortal man. "The idiot, he's gonna kill himself!" Figwit muttered to Legolas.

"No he's not!" Legolas suddenly said. "Look! It's Leroy!"

And indeed, seeing the fanboy's foolishness, Leroy came up behind Seamoose and caught him before he hit the ground. Then Leroy flew lower and deposited Seamoose safely in the ring of Elfie-Ninjas that had formed. Well, safe might not exactly be the right word for it...

"Hallo, lads." Seamoose said cheerfully. "Lovely night, isn't it?" The Elfie-Ninjas stared at him. Then one of them stepped forward, his eyes narrowed. He held a long, glittering sword before him.

"Do you feel lucky, punk?" the Elfie-Ninja said. "Well, do you?"

Seamoose looked around at the ring of Elfie-Ninjas, all awaiting his reply. "Yes, I do actually." he said. Then he muttered, "There is no spoon." And the fight began.

It was a fairly even fight, all things considered. Seamoose employed many nifty Matrix-style moves, including the dodging of spinning blades and jumping up in the air with the aid of bullet time. Leroy helped out as well by boxing the Elfie-Ninjas' ears. The Elfie-Ninjas were a good match, however. They used many moves that were taken directly from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon*, although they weren't nearly as good as the actors.

Finally, The Author got bored trying to think up ways to describe the battle, so she just opened up a plot-hole and the Elfie-Ninjas fell through it.

"Good, that's got rid of them." Seamoose said, whipping his hands. He turned to the Elfie-Boys. Incidentally, in the course of the battle, several spinning blade had cut the duct tape that bound them to the tree, and they were free once more.

"Who are you?" asked Figwit.

"I'm Seamoose!" Seamoose said. "I'm here to save you ^_^!"

"Ok, this guy is completely nuts." Figwit said. "That much is apparent from his name."

"And the fact the he just used an emoticon in his speech?" Legolas asked. Figwit nodded.

(Note: Figwit's opinion differs from that of The Author, who thinks that Seamoose is a very clever name.)

"Ok... Seamoose." Figwit said. "It seems that you've saved us. Now what do we do?"

"That is up to The Author to decide." Seamoose said solemnly.

"Completely nuts." Figwit muttered.
*Flying People, Hidden Wires!

Chapter Nine