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Legolas vs. Figwit: The Ultimate Battle
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Ok, I just watched LOTR: FOTR for the umpteenth time, and I decided that there is a most pressing question that must be answered. Who is better: Legolas...or Figwit??? Now there are many of you who would say either one and be done with it. There are even more who would say, "Who the heck is Figwit????" I'll just ignore those people and get on with this.

Now, both Legolas and Figwit radiate such stunning hottness that it makes any female within a two-mile radius swoon. That hair, those eyes! The injustice done to these characters, be it only 25 seconds of screen time and no lines at all, or having less than 20 lines throughout the entire movie, is felt by many.

I am currently vacationing in Rivendell, and I have had the chance to see both these Elves, though I have not met them personally. All the times I have seen them together, they have been giving each other death stares and mentally cursing the other's very existance. So I wondered: What would happen if their tempers burst, and they unleashed great anger and emotion into a battle that decided, once and for all, who is the hotter Elf.

Legolas vs. Figwit: The Ultimate Battle

(Dramatic music cue)
It was a fair day in Rivendell. The mid-afternoon sun shone over the trees like the lights of Arda, and a feeling of peace reigned everywhere in the valley. Everywhere, that is, except in the hearts of a certain two Elves.

Legolas paced in his room, troubled. He had lost more fangirls to the idiot Figwit today. This was not good. He still had far more fans than Figwit did, but it was not good that more and more were taking Figwit into their hearts and banishing Legolas.

Figwit was so full of himself. When Aragorn had told Legolas to sit down at the Council, Legolas had seen how Figwit stuck his tongue out at Legolas, oh yes, he had. The nerve of him!

"I must stop him!" muttered Legolas. "Somehow, I must make everyone hate Figwit, and bow down before me!"

Noticing that they were uneven, Legolas got up to file his nails.

Figwit, meanwhile, was in his room on the other side of Rivendell, brushing his hair. He hummed a little Elvish ditty about butterflies and preened himself. This morning he had stolen five more fangirls from that jerk Legolas. Oh, yes, revenge is sweet. Figwit had seen those death stares Legolas kept sending him during the Council of Elrond. He hadn't known what Legolas had been thinking of doing to him, but now he had revenge before Legolas had even done it! Oh, the feeling of power...

Yet although Figwit seemed content and triumphant on the outside, on the inside his blood was boiling. He had so few fangirls, and Legolas had so many! Even that runt Frodo had more fangirls than he did, but Legolas was the one on his mind at the moment. That conceited blonde thought he was so great, just because he got to be in the Fellowship! Figwit could have been in the Fellowship if he had wanted to, but he didn't want to ruin his hair, that's all!

"This must be ended!" Figwit said. He finished brushing his hair, and then left his room to go find Legolas.

Round One