Round Five
The Elfie-Boys
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Legolas vs. Figwit: The Ultimate Battle
The Elfie-Boys and Their BIG Egos
Legolas, Figwit, and the Liquor Cabinet of DOOM
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Synopsis: Figwit: 3 Legolas: 1 Figwit is ahead by two. Both Elves are making the other's life fall completely apart. Observe as the house of cards comes tumbling down...


Reader Votes:

Legolas: 28 Figwit: 29


Legolas: "No...NOOOOOOO!!!!!! It cannot be!!! How-?" *bursts into tears*

Sprite: "Yay! We've reduced Legolas' ego to practically nothing!"

*Sprite hugs Figwit and they do a little dance*

Legolas: *still sobbing hysterically*

Aldawen: "Evil people, making Leggy-poo cry!"

Legolas: *STILL sobbing hysterically*

Sprite&Figwit: *still dancing*

Author: For goodness' sake, Legolas, pull yourself together! It's just one vote!

Aldawen: "You get away from him! If Seamoose had his way it would be eight votes!"

Sprite: "GO SEAMOOSE!!!!!!!!!"

Author: "Maybe I should let Seamoose have his way. This guy is a wimp!" *points to Legolas, who is still sobbing*

Aldawen: "BLASPHEMY!!!!"

Sprite: *still dancing* "GO SEAMOOSE!!!!"

Author: *sigh* On to round five...


Round Five

Legolas was, of course, very angry that Figwit had given all of his clothes to Bilbo. He went on a quick shopping spree with Aldawen, but they both had very little cash and thus had to shop in the clearance bins. Figwit would really get it this time...

"Legolas!" Elrond called to him when he returned from his shopping spree.

"What?" said Legolas.

"I have managed to make your fangirls not urple anymore," Elrond told him.

"Yippe skippy!" cried Legolas, and raced off to find his fangirls. Legolas ran through Rivendell, until he found his fangirls. He gasped. They were no longer urple...THEY WERE GREEN!!!

"Oh no!" cried Legolas. "Green fangirls is almost as bad!!"

"Hi!" said Sake. "I'm not urple anymore!"

"What?" said Legolas, looking down at her.

"You told me to call you back when I'm not urple," Sake replied.

'Yes, but now you're green,' thought Legolas. "Oh," he said, "Well, yeah, ok, come along."

"Yay!" cried Sake and frog-hopped after Legolas.

Legolas brought Sake to his room and sighed. "Who is that??" asked Aldawen, staring at the green fangirl who was crouched on the ground and grinning foolishly up at them.

"Um, that's Sake," Legolas said. "I think she might be becoming rabid..." At this point, Sake began to foam at the mouth. "Yup," said Legolas.

"Good lord," said Aldawen. "What are we going to do with it?"

"I have no idea," Legolas said. "Maybe we could get her to do something to Sprite..."

"I like sprite!" Sake piped up, wiping the foam away from her mouth. "It's yummy and fizzy!"

"Uh..." said Legolas, not quite sure what to make of this.

"Sprite is also the name of a drink," Aldawen told him. "Very high in caffeine."

"Oh," said Legolas. "Well, Sake, I'm not talking about the drink, I'm talking about Figwit's Kindly Reader."

"Darn," said Sake. Then she perked up. "I'm a Kindly Reader too!" she cried joyously, frog-hopping around the room.

"No, you're an annoying rabid fangirl who won't leave me alone," muttered Legolas. Aldawen nodded in agreement.

"Well, we need to get back at Figwit somehow," Legolas said. "You know, I'll bet he was the one who made Elrond turn all my fangirls green." Both Legolas and Aldawen looked over at Sake, who was crouched in a corner, gurgling happily.

"Definately," Aldawen said.

"Actually," said Elrond, appearing at Legolas' window for no adequately explored reason, "Figwit has nothing to do with the green fangirls. The only way to get the urple dye off is to dye them another color. I chose green because I know you like that color."

"Riiight..." said Legolas, wondering how Elrond could be standing there, leaning on his windowsill, when Legolas' room was on the third floor of the building. He pushed this matter aside, deeming that it was not the most pressing matter at hand.

"Well," said Aldawen, ignoring Elrond, "we could do something to Figwit's hair..."

"No," said Legolas. "That's wouldn't work. I already tried that, and Figwit got the better of me. The hair is definately out."

"Good move," said Elrond. "You don't want to try the same trick twice. They might be expecting it."

"Argh!" said Legolas, frustrated. "Would you get away from my window???"

"Sure thing," said Elrond, and he zoomed away on his magic carpet.

"Okaaay..." said Legolas, not quite sure where that last bit had come from. To tell the truth, neither did The Author.

"I've got it!" cried Aldawen.

"Got what?" asked Legolas. "My socks? Argh!" The Author cackled evilly. She was high on sugar, and liked making her fictims do and say stupid things. But she decided, in the interest of sanity, that she would try to let the fic proceed normally. As normal as it could be, that is.

"Ok, what have you got?" Legolas asked Aldawen.

"Socks!" giggled Sake.

"A way to get back on Figwit!" Aldawen said. "See, what we do is-" And her talk turned down to a hiss-like whisper, like in cartoons when their planning something that they don't want the audience to know just yet.

Meanwhile, Figwit and Sprite were in Figwit's room plotting their next move against Legolas, duh. Sprite was all for posting a website to tell the entire world that Legolas eats his boogers, but Figwit was having some trouble understanding what laptops and websites were. Sprite was forced to drop the idea.

"Why don't we convince all of his fangirls to ditch Blondie and become my fangirls?" said Figwit, rather liking this idea.

"I don't think that would work," Sprite said. "You know, Legolas was around since the books came out, and some of his fangirls are as old as my grandmother."

"But I like that idea!" Figwit said, and began to pout. Sprite managed not to faint this time at the expression on his face, so perfect, so enigmatic, so pouty! It was a hard battle, but she prevailed.

"Argh, I'm gonna go got a drink," said Figwit. He left the room, deciding that he had to talk Elrond into getting him his own liquor cabinet. He was gone for exactly 7 minutes, 2 second. And when he returned, SPRITE WAS NOT THERE!!!! On the door was a note. The note said: "Figbrain. We have kidnapped Sprite. If you ever want to see her again, leave 15 bottles of Herbal Essence shampoo outside your opponent's bedroom. You'll never find us, you'll never trace us."

"No!!!!" cried Figwit. With a trembling lower lip, he read the rest of the letter: "Sincerely, Legolas and Aldawen."

'Well, that makes things easier,' though Figwit, before he succombed to sobs.

Winner of Round Five: Legolas

Round Six