Chapter Seven
The Elfie-Boys
About the Elfie-Boys
The Others
The Stories
Legolas vs. Figwit: The Ultimate Battle
The Elfie-Boys and Their BIG Egos
Legolas, Figwit, and the Liquor Cabinet of DOOM
Rogue's Gallery
My Page
Contact Me

In which the difference between fangirls and fanboys is explained.

Sprite awoke, her head throbbing, and she winced as she turned it to view her surroundings. Cold, stone floor. Damp stone walls. The sound of water dripping.

"Where am I?" Sprite whispered. A rat ran past her feet. It was all she could do to stifle a scream.

A strain of Elvish music wafted to Sprite's ears from some far-off place. It was then that Sprite realized that she was in a place that she'd never been before.

The dungeons of Rivendell.

Sprite had not even known until recently that the Last Homely House of the West had dungeons. Elrond had built them about a hundred years ago when he was going through a phase of wanting to relive his youth, and he had made several 'youthful' additions to his home. Another of these additions were the liquor cabinets in all of the guest bedrooms. Arwen made sure to keep these rooms locked all the time.

But anyways, back to our main heroine's plight. The pounding in her head had subsided, and she began to wonder why she was here, and whether anyone would come to her aid. She did not have long to wait, but who came was not who she wanted.

"Comfortable, my lady?" came Elrond's mocking voice through the gloom.

"Quite." Sprite said sarcastically. "Do you always treat your guests like this?"

"Guest?" said Elrond, in mock surprise. "I had believed you had become a permanent fixture in my home. When all the other fangirls left after the battle, you out of all of them stayed."

"So did Sake and Aldawen." Sprite pointed out.

"Oh yes, them." Elrond said. Although she could not see his face, Sprite could tell from the Elf-lord's tone of voice that he was smiling.

"What did you do with them?" asked Sprite menacingly. Even though they were a pain after drinking the potion, they were still her friends, and Sprite would kill Elrond if he let anything happen to them. Wait, thought Sprite, what am I thinking? I'm going to kill him anyway!

"Oh, they are quite safe." Elrond told her casually. "You see, under the effects of my brilliant potion, they are no danger to me. You, Sprite, are the one I have to worry about."

"Let me out of here!" Sprite cried, jumping to her feet.

"Oh, I'm sorry." Elrond said. "I'm afraid I can't do that. At least, not until Figwit is taken care of."


Elrond laughed. "Simple Mortal." he said. "Do you really think you could do anything to harm me?" He was still chuckling. "I'll send someone by with your gruel later." he added, as he walked away.

Sprite slid to the floor with her back against the cold, damp wall. She buried her face in her arms and burst into tears.

The situation that Legolas and Figwit found themselves in was not much better. They had woken to the sound of laughter, and found themselves duct taped to a tree in the middle of the forest. A group of Elfie-Ninjas was huddled near by, rummaging through a traveling sack.

"Do you realize how stupid it was to go on a 'quest' for Elrond when he was so ticked off at us?" Figwit asked Legolas.

"Yes, I do realize that." Legolas said, none too happy with their situation.

"Shaddup!" one of the Elfie-Ninjas shouted to them.

"Make me!" Legolas called back. And so one of the Elfie-Ninjas came up and stuffed a sock in Legolas' mouth.

"Idiot." Figwit muttered, and a sock was stuffed into his mouth, as well.

Then the entire group of Elfie-Ninjas turned towards their captives. It was then that Legolas and Figwit noticed with horror that the Elfie-Ninjas all were wielding scissors, hair dye, and ribbons.

"Let's play make-over!" one of the Elfie-Ninjas said, smiling cruelly. His scissors glinted in the light of a camp-fire.

Figwit's jaw dropped so low that the sock fell out of his mouth. The scissors were coming nearer....

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" the Elfie-boys screamed in unison.

Sprite must have fallen asleep, for the very good reason that she awoke with a start. There was someone crouched next to her. "Sprite?" came Elrohir's familiar voice.

At the sound of someone familiar, Sprite almost felt ready to cry again. There was a flicker of light, and she saw Elladan standing behind his brother with a lantern that he had apparently just lit.

"Are you alright?" asked Elrohir, noting Sprite's tear-streaked face. "When we found out where Dad had put you, we were really mad."

"So was I." said Sprite. "What did he do to Figwit?"

"We're not sure." Elladan said, speaking for the first time. "I think Glorfindel knows, but he refuses to talk about it."

Glorfindel was apparently keeping watch out in the hallway, because he immediately answered with, "That's because it's too horrible to speak of! I think Elrond sent out his secret spies after them, his-"

"Elfie-Ninjas?" Sprite said. "Yeah, I know. That's what got me. They didn't seem too bad. I mean, I'm sure I would have been able to get by them if The Author hadn't been distracting me!"

Elladan and Elrohir exchanged looks, both of them beginning to worry slightly about Sprite's sanity. Glorfindel didn't seem to find anything wrong with what she said, because he said to her, "You don't understand. One of the qualifications to become an Elfie-Ninja is that you have to be a professional hair-stylist!"

There was an ominous silence.

"Uh, well..." Elrohir said. "We'd better get going."

"You're not going to leave me here?" cried Sprite desperately.

"Of course not!" cried Glorfindel emphatically, his face appearing in the ring of lantern light. "We'll hide you in my room for the night, and the Twins will set off with you at first light to find Figwit and Legolas."

"I'd rather start out sooner than that." Sprite said. "Like, maybe... now?"

"Okay," Elladan said. "But you should probably have something to eat first." It was then that Sprite noticed, with mild interest, how hungry she was.

"Fine with me!" she told them. Elrohir helped her to her feet, and they left the cell. As they walked down the hallway, Sprite winced at the noise her feet made compared to the Elves' completely silent tread. She sighed.

"Don't worry." Glorfindel said, putting his arm around her shoulders.
"Everything is going to be alright."

Now, dear Reader, let us go several hours back in time. There was another visitor to Rivendell, one who had just arrived there that afternoon. Seamoose (as his name was) was very annoyed that the Elf he had wanted to meet most, Figwit, had left on a journey the day before.

Now, let The Author clear something up for all of you Readers. Seamoose is a fanboy. Fanboys and fangirls are different. The Author likes to say that while fangirls are madly in love with their lust object, fanboys merely idolize a person/thing and pledge themselves to be that person/thing's eternal servant. This is why The Author herself desperately wants a fanboy.

The Author's brother, however, has a different view on fangirls/fanboys. To him, yes, fanboys are only happy while they are around the object they idolize, eternal servant, yes yes. But according to The Author's brother, fangirls are spawn of the Devil, or Kefka, as the case may be. The Author likes her definition better. So does Sprite.

But anyways, back to the story. Seamoose was not going to let his stay in Rivendell go by without meeting Figwit, even if he was on an 'important mission' for Lord Elrond. Figwit was cool! Figwit was way better than that blondie Legolas! Figwit could kick Legolas' butt! Figwit is so great that he deserves an action figure!! (Please note that Seamoose's opinions may vary with those of The Author, except for the one about the action figure.)

So when Seamoose overheard Elrond muttering to himself, he was shocked! Elrond was a schizo! But what shocked Seamoose even more was what Elrond was muttering about. Seamoose heard that Elrond had sent his Elfie-Ninjas to kidnap the Elfie-Boys and cut up their hair!! Gasp and horror!!

Then Seamoose noticed that Elrond was not muttering to himself, but to a carpet. This struck Seamoose as even stranger, until he realized, Of course! That must be Leroy, Elrond's famous magic carpet!

And this gave Seamoose an idea....

Chapter Eight